This is Part 1 of a 7-part look-back at what happened in
Minnesota sports over the past 12 months. Some of these stories are obviously
figments of my imagination. A couple actually happened. These are the tales,
imageries, conversations, and visualizations that best described, at least for
me, what it meant to be a Minnesota sports fan over the past 12 months.
“Bud Light Lime-a-Rita TALL BOYS. Shit will HIT YOU QUICK,”
said Ron, in reference to the 8% alcohol-by-volume drink that was
inexplicably lumped in with other pretender beverages in the “2-for-$10” cooler
in a long hallway at the Tropicana. We both bought one for each hand and headed
to the sports book because we knew that the best way to watch the maddening
roller-coaster that was the under-utilized talent of the 2012-13 Gophers
basketball team was with a steady dose of lime-flavored sugar-booze coursing through
one’s bloodstream.
No one could predict which version of the Gophers squad
would show up for any given game last season. The ground gained through early
conference wins over Michigan State (By THIRTEEN?? That happened???) and
Illinois were given back when abysmal first halves at Indiana and against
Michigan led to narrow defeats. The Gophs would gut out a gritty win over ‘Sconsin
in OT, then look completely hapless against a zone—really, ANY zone, all season—in
a blowout loss at Iowa. They would knock off the team on the tippy-top of the
AP rankings in an Indiana upset, then end the regular season with back-to-back
losses to 15-18 Nebraska—a team who, no joke, gave the Stay-Puft marshmallow man rotation minutes last year—and 15-17 Purdue.
Selection
Sunday came with the Gophers maintaining their spot as the Big Ten’s perpetual
bubble boy, but the match-up seemed savory once their spot in the tournament
had been announced as secure. Minnesota squeaked in as an 11-seed but were
matched against a 6-seeded UCLA team that was embroiled in all kinds of turmoil
and featured a coach in Ben Howland who, like the Gophers’ Tubby Smith, seemed
close to being shown the door. Minnesota was the only 11-seed from a power
conference, and they appeared to have drawn the most favorable match-up against
a team that had had players quit, get hurt, and be Shabazz Muhammad during
their season. So with a trip to Vegas for the tournament’s first weekend
planned, might it be kind of fun to put some money down on the hometown team to
spring an upset?
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| Memo to Shabazz's defender: He's going left. |
Of
course not. Ron, Tom and I had seen too many lackluster showings from this team
over the past five months. The first bet I made when we started exploring
sports books was Bruins over Gophers in their Friday night battle. Go ahead and
call me a terrible fan, but admit it: If you saw the UCLA-Minnesota line after
the match-up was announced, your first reaction was “…wait, we’re FAVORED??”
Vegas thought a Minnesota win, after three straight humiliating losses to end
the season, would not be an upset. I had to place some kind of bet on the game
because duh, but I had to bet heavy against the Gophers because they were a
terrible, boring, pick-n-roll-and-watch-Andre-try-to-do-everything-for-30-seconds-because-everyone’s-standing-still
kind of team for large chunks of the season.
(By the
way, UCLA’s 2-guard Jordan Adams is a future NBA star, but he broke his foot in
the Pac-12 tourney and was out for the Gophers game. Shabazz Muhammad was
available and healthy for UCLA, which, as we know now, is kind of like saying
Chris Smith was available and healthy for the Knicks before being waived yesterday.
More on Shabazz later in this series but here’s a preview: GAAAHH FLIP SAUNDERS
AND I ARE SUCH IDIOTS.)
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| "I drafted WHO???" --Saunders on the night of June 27 |
Fast-forward
to Friday night in Vegas. After the initial luster of being able to legally bet
on sporting contests wore off, my pockets had considerably lightened as I went
0-for-my first 12 bets on the first day-and-a-half of tournament action. Some
of them were sucker, pie-in-the-sky parlays and teasers, but some of them were
heartbreakers. After a breakneck first half, the Kansas State-La Salle game
slowed to a molasses pace in the second half, killing my over bet. Pittsburgh
looked great according to Ken Pomeroy’s advanced stats, so of course they lost
by 18 to Wichita State (which, kudos to the Shockers, ended up being a Final
Four team). An afternoon spent watching this madness unfold had the three of us
in a “get drunk, stay drunk” mood by Friday night. Hence, the Lime-a-Ritas.
We
watched the Minnesota-UCLA game in the Tropicana sports book with our hearts
cheering for the home team and our empty leather money-holding pouches rooting
for the mess of a West Coast squad that opposed them. We all know what
happened. The Gophers played well in the first half and took control early in
the second behind one of the best combined nights for the Hollins boys in their
tenure as Gophers. Austin had 16 points and went 4-6 from three, with 7 assists
and 4 steals. Andre blew up for 28, 9 rebounds, and 5 assists. Muhammad led UCLA with 20 points on 6-18 shooting (HIGHLY INEFFICIENT, FLIP). The Gophers
won by 20 in one of their best team performances of the year, and Ron, Tom, and
I swore off sports betting until our next trip to Vegas AT THE VERY EARLIEST,
and that was a hard-line stance.
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| Image courtesy of Sports Illustrated |
I don’t
remember much of the rest of that night outside of a desire to get “frugally
drunk,” whatever the hell my mind thought that meant. 48 ounces of Lime-a-Rita
and subsequent tequila shots (THANKS, TOM) (Seriously, thanks Tom) will do that
to you.
Two
days later, as I nursed away the last remnants of what I believe may have been
a 60-hour hangover, the Gophers were soundly defeated by Florida and their
season concluded. Shortly after that, and after their best result in the NCAA
tournament since the redacted days of Clem Haskins, Tubby was given his walking
papers.
As it
turns out, Tubby Smith was the first, but not the last, Minnesota coach to personify
a line from M. Ward’s “Requiem” in 2013; “He was a good man, and now he’s gone”
could also describe the recently deposed Leslie Frazier, too. Tubby landed on
his feet quickly, being snatched up by the Texas Tech Home for Nearly Retired Basketball
Coaches just days after being fired by U of M athletic director Norwood Teague.
Trevor Mbakwe and Rodney Williams earned a little draft buzz, but both went
unselected in the summertime. Mbakwe is currently playing for Virtus Roma in
the Italian League, while Williams is a Delaware 87er and on the same D-League
team as Kendall Marshall, T’Wolves pre-season cut Lorenzo Brown, and Reeves
Nelson.
The
Gophs hired Rick Pitino’s young son Richard from Florida International to take
over, which ultimately meant all the work Tubby had put in trying to woo any of
Minnesota’s bumper crop of 2014 high school prospects was for naught; Tyus
Jones signed with Duke, Reid Travis deked out the Gophs by choosing Stanford on
his signing day, and Rashad Vaughn transferred to famous scholarship feeder
Findlay Prep (located in lovely Henderson but let’s be honest it’s essentially
Las Vegas, NV) for his senior season, essentially guaranteeing that he’ll avoid
his home state in his eventual decision.
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| Little Richard ain't worried. Courtesy of the Star Tribune. |
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Highlight: I’m pretty sure Mbakwe single-handedly
ended talk of Cody Zeller’s top-3 draft pick potential when he dominated “The Big Handsome” (For f---‘s sake, ESPN.) in that Indiana upset. Mbakwe finished with 21 points, 12
boards, one completely dominated Zeller brother, and one stormed court.
Lowlight: The Gophs were 8-8 with two conference games
remaining against two of the Big Ten’s worst teams in Nebraska and Purdue.
Tubby had his first winning conference season—and perhaps a top-6 seed in the
tournament—within reach. And then…in one four-day period in early March…ANEURYSMS
FOR EVERYONE!
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